Shame is the only emotion that attacks the self by making one believe that one is inherently defective and unlovable. This crippling emotion destroys self-confidence and prevents one from achieving or enjoying success. ....
The six common forms of shame are:
1. The put-down: "You naughty boy!", "You're acting like a spoiled child!", "You selfish brat!", "You cry-baby!" "You're mean!" "Rug rat"
2. Moralizing: "Good little boys don't act that way" "You've been a bad little girl" “God isn’t pleased when you act that way” “Angels are crying right now because of what you’ve done”
3. Age-based expectations: "Grow up!" "Stop acting like a baby!" "Big boys don't cry ” "You're 10 years old--you should be able to do this by now""
4. Gender-based expectations: "Toughen-up and take it like a man!" "Don't be a sissy!" “Stop being so emotional!” “Don’t be such a silly girl”
5. Competency-based expectations: "You're hopeless!" “You’ll never be good at anything” "You should be able to do this math by yourself " "You should know better than that" "Any idiot could have figured that out"
6. Comparisons: "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" "None of the other children are acting like you are" "You're not as _____as your sister (brother) "
Shame not only makes us feel like we intrinsically have no value, but it also gives us a distorted perception of what love really is. Why? Because the people who shame us the most tend to be the people who tell us they love us. So we get mixed messages about love. On the one hand we are told we are loved, but on the other we are made to feel like we are not worthy of love.
This, all by itself is food for thought. I found myself more than a little uncomfortable when I read her list of shaming "techniques." How many of those do I use without really realizing it? So far, the only thing that I think she's missing is that her definitions of shame make it sound like a childhood problem. To be fair, she's writing about how Christians discipline their children, but I find some of these thoughts running around my head - aimed at ME. Particularly the competency-based type of shame.
Anyway, she continues, a little later in the article:
You're probably wondering how I dealt with my feelings of shame. What helped me most was to focus on God's love for me. ... I read and reread and reread I Corinthians 13, taking time with each description of what love is like. Love is patient....what does that mean? How would that be expressed? How does God show patience to me? How can I be more patient with myself? Since shame is a form of self-hatred, I focused on loving myself as well as on receiving God's love for me. Love is kind....
Based on my mediations on I Corinthians 13, I wrote out a list of "How a Father Treats His Daughter When He Really, Really, Really Loves Her" and looked at the list often, meditating on what it would be like to be loved that way and asking God to let me experience that kind of love from Him since I had only known glimpses of it from my own father.
What a wonderful idea! I think that the lists that I would most like to see - ones that I think I will be making myself - are lists titled "How a Mother Treats Her Children" and "How a Wife Treats Her Husband." But first, I have to study that chapter.
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